


james potter did NOT steal my knickers

by twilightstargazer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack Fic, F/M, Fluff, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-22
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-28 10:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6325357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twilightstargazer/pseuds/twilightstargazer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which James doesn't really steal her knickers but everyone believes he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	james potter did NOT steal my knickers

**Author's Note:**

> Backstory behind this: my url on tumblr for 3 years was jamespotterstolemyknickers before I changed over to hiddenpolkadots and this features TWO url references which I’m very proud of because I’m proud of the weirdest things.
> 
> Also, confession: half of this fic was written while I was- not drunk but also definitely not sober and then the other half is me going with the flow so this is just behind the crack fic boundary. Only just.

James isn’t actively trying to get Lily Evans to hate him, okay? He’s finally gotten her to move past unimpressed dislike to somewhere around vague amusement with a 60% chance of drunken induced fondness, and he’d like to either stay there or move up the friendship scale with her.

However, he forgets to take into consideration that he’s essentially a git with a lack of tact and piss poor timing which is why he has a red faced Evans staring at him, completely horrified, while Snape glares at him from the couch.

‘I’ll just, ah, leave this here then,’ he mumbles, gently resting the Tupperware of pastry Sirius sent and then practically flinging her knickers in her general direction before hightailing out of there as fast as he could. He’s banking on the fact that she’s in shock right now and won’t be able to follow him just so she could murder him for doing something that stupid.

(He’s also banking on the fact that she’s considerably shorter than him so if he legs it as quick as possible there’s a good chance he can outrun her to the safety of his apartment and die on his own terms.)

It’s not like he- Lily is just a notoriously unorganised person who leaves her crap anywhere and everywhere. That’s all. James does not set out to find them, but he does and just holds onto it until he sees her again.

She stays over in the flat he shares with Sirius, sometimes because she’s too drunk to function and likes sprawling across their couch, but mostly because she’s usually too tired to go home to her own and have to do actual adult things, like making dinner and doing laundry.

Lily Evans is an actual human disaster. She hides it fairly well behind her neat little office job and closet full of pencil skirts and work shirts that he tries to never think about. It’s a pretty well kept secret if he’s being honest with himself. For some reason it makes him even more endeared towards her.

(Sirius says it’s because he has a complex about mothering everyone to death and, well, he’s not exactly wrong. He keeps spare jumpers in his car, always has Peter’s allergy medication and Remus’ inhaler on hand, and remembers to iron the collars of Sirius’ shirts. Not to mention he actually knows how to use fabric softener unlike some people he could mention.)

Even though she spends most of her time drooling on their throw pillows and wheedling food out of them (except not really; both he and Sirius have a problem with serving sizes and always end up with more food than anticipated. Plus Sirius bakes when he’s bored. Or stressed. He generally spends roughly 50% of the time puttering around their kitchen making pastries.), she never really leaves her clothes over, other than a spare sweatshirt and a pair of flip flops.

So James is understandably shocked when he finds a scrap of lace behind the dryer when he’s looking for a missing sock. Very shocked. It’s obvious that it belongs to Lily, because she’s the only girl they have in the apartment on a regular basis. He does _not_ need to know that Evans wears black lacy underwear beneath her too tight pencil skirts and shirts with one button too many unbuttoned. _Does not_. It’s not helping him the slightest with this little crush he has going on.

He hastily shoves them in his pocket before resuming the search for his sock and tries his best not to think about it. It works for the most part, until Sirius ends up baking far too many cherry tarts and asks him to carry some over for her and Mary. And that’s how they come to a full circle.

Sirius is waiting for him when he gets home, his face schooled into an unimpressed expression and James gives a sheepish laugh.

‘Please tell me that stealing Lily’s knickers is not part of some elaborate scheme to get her to go out with you,’ he says, cutting to the chase.

James winces. ‘I didn’t steal them; I found them behind the dryer and decided to return them because keeping them would have been far creepier.’

‘Yes, well, she said to tell you that she had fun explaining to Snape why you had a pair of her underwear.’ He winces again and tugs a hand through his hair. Sirius pats him on the back. ‘She also said that helped get rid of him hopefully for good this time. Git was still trying to win her back.’

‘Glad I could help in some way,’ he grinds out

Sirius just sighs. ‘You’re a mess. Both of you.’

‘I know.’

‘How does she even forget her underwear? What kind of person forgets their underwear?’

James shrugs, heading to the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. ‘She doesn’t like wearing the same pair after she showers. Understandable really,’ he remarks nonchalantly.

When Sirius doesn’t reply, he doesn’t think much of it. However when he walks back out into the living room, Sirius is staring at him in muted horror.

‘How the fuck do you know about her underwear habits?’ he manages to eke out, still staring at him wide eyed.

‘She doesn’t tell you these things?’ James asks, furrowing his brows, ‘Literally the first night she stayed over she complained to me about how much she hates wearing the same clothes two days in a row and that she’d rather go commando than wear the same set of knickers twice all while I was making breakfast.’

Sirius scrubs a hand across his face. ‘No, she doesn’t tell me these things and, fuck, how are you still alive after that? I would have thought that anything to do with her knickers would have caused you to get an aneurysm or something.’

‘Coincidentally that’s also the same day I decided to test out the smoke alarm.’

‘There we go.’ Sirius leans over and takes the unopened beer from his hand. ‘Christ, you all are fucked up.’

James elbows him in the ribs. ‘Cheers mate.’

Thankfully, he doesn’t find anymore of Lily’s underwear in the coming weeks and when they do see each other again, she merely flicks him in the forehead and tells him, ‘Next time just text me instead of barging in to my apartment and waving my knickers around like some sort of lunatic.’

James grins and ruffles her hair, much to her annoyance. ‘Next time maybe you should remember to take your knickers back home instead of leaving them all over my apartment.’

‘Hey, it’s also Sirius’ apartment,’ she points out, ‘But you make a good point.’ And then she’s flopping down on the couch and leaning into his side. He tries to school his face into a neutral expression because the only time Lily presses herself against him is when she’s drunk or tired. This is a new development, brought about by knickers of all things. Honestly, if he had known that this would have been the result, he would have filched a pair from her months ago.

Lily picks up the spare controller from the table and badgers him until he switches over from Mortal Kombat to Mario Kart. It means having to get up and switch over to whole new console, something which he wouldn’t really do for anyone else, but he’s still a little bit in awe at the new turn in their friendship. It’s even better when she curls back into his side when he sits back down to play.

Of course, they end up fighting again once she wins. (She fucking _blue shelled_ him and doesn’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation. It culminates with her calling him a pigheaded asshole and storming out of the flat, slamming the door behind her.)

(She shows up the next day with doughnuts though, and then blue shells Sirius while they’re playing too, much to his delight, before falling asleep on the couch.)

Remus is the one who finds her knickers this time- a pair of purple cotton ones with lace trimming- in the bathroom. He comes out holding them delicately in one hand and looks at James, completely ignoring Sirius snickering into his palm.

‘Are these Lily’s?’ he asks.

‘They usually are, yeah,’ he replies while shooting an incoming enemy target on the screen.

Peter opens his mouth, probably to ask why, but Sirius holds up a hand. ‘Don’t even ask mate.’

‘She’s just forgetful, is all,’ says James, defending her. ‘At least she’s leaving them here and not somewhere seedy.’

Remus heaves a sigh before sharing a look with Sirius and Peter that James doesn’t catch. ‘Right. It’s perfectly normal for friends to leave their underwear over all the time. So help me James if you’re nicking the poor girl’s underwear for some reason or the other, I’ll-’

‘Bloody hell,’ says James, throwing his hands up in the air, ‘Why does everyone think I’m stealing her knickers?’

‘Because you have a pathetic crush on her and have been pining away for the last hundred years or so,’ deadpans Peter. ‘It’s obvious to just about anyone with eyes.’

James sputters. ‘It’s not _obvious_ ,’ he says, voice going shrill and cheeks turning mottled red. ‘It’s- I’m not-’

‘If it helps, it’s not obvious to anyone who’s not us,’ says Sirius. ‘Well, and Mary. Maybe Marlene and Dorcas too. Probably Kingsley too, since you couldn’t control your heart eyes that one time we were at the bar and Evans was-’

‘You’re really not helping,’ James says in a strangled voice

‘What he means, is that it’s not obvious to people named Lily Evans,’ says Remus.

James groans and knocks his head back against the couch while the others laugh. ‘You all are the worst,’ he tells them and Remus throws the knickers at his face.

Remus just stares at him. ‘Seriously, stop stealing Lily’s knickers. It’s weird and creepy and when she punches you in the face, you’ll totally deserve it.’

‘For fuck’s sake! _I am not stealing Evans’ knickers_.’

The following week he finds not one, but two pairs of her knickers, one in his bedroom and one between the couch cushions. The week after that he finds two more pairs as well as a bra. And then it just keeps happening up to the point that, whenever Lily stays over, there’s bound to be an extra pair of ladies’ underwear lying around somewhere in the flat.

(Sirius is more amused than anything else. ‘You and your girlfriend sure have a lot of fun, don’t you?’ he says before throwing a pair of polka dot underwear at him.

‘Not my girlfriend. And besides, she was your friend first. You tell her.’

He gets hit in the face with the matching bra instead.)

‘Please tell your roommate that she needs to start keeping tabs on her underwear,’ he tells Mary when he stops by to drop off the mille feuille Sirius made that afternoon and this week’s worth of underwear.

Mary takes both bags from him with a deep sigh. ‘Look, buddy, I know Lily’s not the most organised person but do you seriously expect me to believe that she’s always leaving her knickers in your apartment when she remembers to bring everything else home?’

James sighs and leans against the door frame, swiping a hand across his face. ‘What are you trying to say, Mary?’

She places a hand on his shoulder. ‘I’m saying that it’s okay to admit that you have a problem James. This is an only slightly judgemental zone.’

His jaw clenches while his eyes slide shut. ‘How many times do I have to say this: I am not stealing any of her knickers, I have not stolen any of her knickers nor will I ever steal any of her knickers. Capische?’

‘It’s okay James! A lot of guys steal underwear from girls when they get caught up in the heat of the moment-’

‘Alright,’ says James, ducking under her arm, ‘I’m out. Goodbye Mary.’

‘The knickers act as a reminder for the sex they’ve had, James! Think of the sex!’

James ducks his head and walks even faster, breaking out into an honest to god jog in order to get away from her.

Later, after Sirius has gone to collect his bike from the shop, he gets a text from Lily.

**_Hey, sorry if Mary scared you off.  
She’s a bit over invested in... everything._ **

He smirks and rolls his eyes despite the fact that no one’s there before typing out his reply to her.

 _How do you not run out of knickers_  
considering you leave them here ALL  
THE TIME

**_Because I own more than 7 pairs of boxers_ **

_I do own more than 7 pairs of boxers. I own_  
other things of the undergarment variety besides  
boxers. But you don’t know this because I don’t  
go around leaving my underwear at your place.

****_Well then maybe you should start leaving_  
your underwear at my place. So I could  
know. 

For a moment James stops and stares at his phone, trying to gauge what might be the proper response to something like this. Eventually he just types with sweaty hands,

_I’m not sure what the appropriate response  
to that might be. Further explanation required._

He immediately drops his phone to the bed and doesn’t touch it until it vibrates from somewhere between the sheets.

**_I can be there in ten...?_ **

Heart pounding against his sternum and hands shaking like mad, James has no idea how her managed to type out his response to that.

_Cool. Front door’s unlocked._

And then he throws his phone back into the mess of blankets on his bed and refuses to look at it, choosing instead to vacuum the living room rug in order to get his mind off things.

He’s almost finished when the door opens and when he glances up, there’s Lily Evans standing in the doorway, a light flush on her cheeks and fidgeting with her hands.

‘Oh,’ she says, ‘You’re vacuuming.’

James smiles almost sheepishly. ‘Just, uh, something to kill the time I guess.’

She huffs out a laugh. ‘Right. Kill the time.’

H shrugs. ‘I am genuinely confused,’ he tells her, which must not be the right thing to say because her face automatically falls.

‘Oh. Well, in that case I’ll just,’ she fumbles with the door, giving James enough time to reach out and grab her arm.

‘Hey, what’s going on?’

Lily looks up at him, scrutinising his face for a moment. ‘You really don’t know?’

‘I’m an idiot. You’ve pointed that out many times.’ She chuckles, and he can’t help but smile fondly down at her. ‘But really, what’s go-’

He’s cut off when Lily loops an arm around his neck and pulls him down for a kiss, chaste and sweet and far too quick for his liking considering he tries to follow her mouth when she pulls away.

‘Oh,’ he manages to say.

‘We’re both kind of stupid,’ she says, ‘And you’re still an idiot, but for some reason I like you so,’ she looks up at him, biting her bottom lip, ‘Want to give this a go?’

James grins at her, leaning forward to peck her on the lips again. ‘Lily Evans, I’d love to.’

‘Great,’ she replies, beaming up at him. ‘Now, I hear on good account that Sirius won’t be back for another hour or so...’

He bites his lips and looks back at the vacuum. ‘I was kinda in the middle of doing something...’

Her jaw drops. ‘James. Seriously?’

‘I know, I know, but it’ll only take like five more minutes-’

‘James.’

‘-and I didn’t know that this would happen-’

‘ _James_.’

‘-you know I can’t stop halfway in the middle of doing something-’

‘I’m not wearing a shirt.’

There’s the audible sound of his jaw clicking shut and he whips around to stare at Lily, who is in fact not wearing any shirt. He blinks several times behind his glasses before muttering, ‘Fuck it,’ and crossing the room in two strides to pull her to him.

Afterwards when they’re both lying in bed, he turns to her and asks, ‘So was this a two month long plan in order to get me to sleep with you or...?’

‘It was an accident at first,’ she says defensively, ‘Honestly, I didn’t even think about turning this into something else until very recently. Which reminds me, are you free tomorrow?’

‘Why?’

‘When I got home, Mary told me about you stopping off, and one thing led to another and she ended up betting me fifty pounds that that line wouldn’t work on you.’

James hitched a brow, ‘What line?’

Lily blushed and suddenly he became preoccupied trying to figure out just how far under the covers it extended to. ‘The boxer line.’

He laughs and rolls over onto his side so he could face her properly. ‘Well, in the spirit of honesty, you wouldn’t have had to do much before to get me into bed with you. Or on a date with you. I’ve been told by several of our very close and supportive friends that I’m kind of pathetic.’

She grins up at him and steals a quick kiss. ‘Good to know. So, date tomorrow? I’ll let you take off my shirt.’

‘We just had sex; I’ve already seen you without your shirt. That’s how you got me to have sex with you in the first place. Plus you can’t bribe me into doing something that I already wanted to do. That’s no how bribes work, Evans.’

If possible, her grin gets wider and she shimmies closer to him in order to wrap her arms around his chest. ‘You are such a dork.’

‘You know it,’ he says, before pressing a kiss to the crown of her hair.

The next day when they meet up at the restaurant, James pulls out her chair for her before taking his own seat, grinning. He reaches into his jacket while saying, ‘So you’ll never guess what I found under my pillow this morning...’

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on tumblr. Or maybe not. Up to you. hiddenpolkadots!


End file.
